Although I'm going to have to wait and see what happens with the results of the biopsy, the doctor said he thought I was in either stage 3 or stage 5 (or class 3 or class 5 - I'm still getting used to these new kidney terms). He used phrases like "disturbing" to describe the progression of the nephrosis (I think that's the word?). He's put me on a water pill to reduce the amount of edema and a blood pressure pill to try and lower that. So now I take 12 different pills each day which isn't a big deal I guess, but I can't help but feel troubled by the amount of toxins I ingest on a daily basis to try to combat this thing. And I feel that's not even close to the amount of drugs I'll be forced to take if this turns out to be what the doctor fears.
I was planning to write a daily blog now that I know people are actually reading it, but I think I will have to make it weekly instead. I've been feeling really depressed and withdrawn since the doctor's appointment. I don't want to be social, I don't want to talk about my kidneys or lupus anymore, I don't want to be brave or stoic or "special" or any of the things people seem to perceive in me. I just want to feel scared and selfish and I want to escape from my life at the moment.
Lupus can be such a lonely, isolating disease. I don't personally know anyone that has this disease (other than those that I've found online). People have never heard of it, or if they have they don't know what it is. Or if they do have some vague idea, most of their information is totally wrong. If I tell someone in my life that I have lupus, it usually ends up being a 10 minute educational lecture about lupus and I leave the conversation feeling like "Okay, well I've spread a little lupus awareness which is good, but this person still has absolutely no idea how I feel or what it means to be a person suffering from lupus." It's just very frustrating.
A new friend of mine runs the Lupus Foundation of America blog (http://lfa-inc.blogspot.com/) and he has a great idea that all of us in this online lupus community can join together to raise lupus awareness. I think it's a fantastic idea. What better medium for those with lupus is there than the internet? I am not a computer geek by any means and had never really even thought to look for groups and blogs about lupus on the internet before, but now that I've seen how many of us are out there I think this could be the way to finally stop the question, "Well, what is lupus exactly?"
On another note, I have the strangest feeling like I will almost be disappointed if the results from the biopsy do not show significant kidney disease. Of course, that is not how I really feel. More than anything in this world, I want to be "ok" medically speaking. I want to feel "normal" and I do NOT want to go through the treatment options that currently exist for kidney disease. However, I've built this all up in my head so much, and have been trying to prepare for the worst, so if it doesn't turn out to be that I almost feel like I've let everyone down or overreacted. I know that doesn't make sense but there it is.
I guess that's all I have to say for now. I hope anyone out there that's reading this knows that there are so many people going through the same thing that you are. Lupus sucks. Sometimes I'm at peace with it, sometimes I'm not. I'm not today.